Harry Potter and the Food Desert
by StupidSequel
Summary: After graduating from Hogwarts, Harry finds out that U of L has a Quidditch team, so he applies there, but his happiness fades when it seems impossible to get any healthy food anywhere on campus, so he quickly finds himself morbidly obese and gets kicked off the Quidditch team because of his weight. Can he survive this food desert and achieve his dream of playing Muggle Quidditch?


**Harry Potter and the Food Desert**

Harry Potter walked up on stage to get his diploma. "Congrats, Harry Potter, you earned it." It was a Hogwarts graduation diploma. Now he could pursue a college career!

"Thank you all for teaching me to help teach you all to help teach me. And I'd just like to say, GRADUATION IS BORING! All my relatives who came to my graduation, YOU CAN LEAVE NOW! I'm tired of playing Sonic Advance 2 to pass the time thru the valedictorian's boring speeches. Those damn special rings and special stages are the cause of my severed thumb which I was able to magically reattach." Harry left the graduation assembly and checked out a newspaper from the library.

After reading various info about colleges around the world (he swore off Harvard because it requires that you get all A's, and the Hogwarts letter grades were not the standard A, B, C, D, F. Harry didn't know how to convert.) Something curious he read about University of Louisville: every so often they have Quidditch tournaments. IN THE MUGGLE WORLD! Harry tried to piece together how that would work. He loved playing Quidditch, but maybe this mysterious "Muggle" way of playing Quidditch might be an example of "they changed it now it sucks" for him.

So he filled out a U of L application. He knew full well that the only reason he applied was to see how the Muggles play Quidditch, and possibly offer some helpful tips.

I'll spare you all the boring details of his long painful wait to see if he got accepted, so I'll spoil it for you: he didn't. Harry wailed and pouted like an immature 4 year old.

JUST KIDDING! He did get accepted.

He filled out his schedule with little thought because he cared more about Quidditch than about academia. Four science classes. And he decided he was gonna fail all of them because he didn't believe in science. During his first physics quiz, when gravity was part of the problem he was working, he put "none, because there is no such thing as gravity." He got an F.

During lunch, Harry Potter walked around for hours, trying to find a healthy place on U of L campus to find a healthy place to eat. Yes, he was really trying to find a healthy place to eat on U of L campus. It was like trying to find a shiny MissingNo with a perfect nature, and with Pokerus, on Pokemon Emerald. Seriously, who in their right minds would try to find healthy food anywhere on campus? That's just stupid! Subway made all their subs bacon wrapped, and no six inch option. Only foot longs. Wendy's discontinued all fresh fruit and all vegetables in general, so all their burgers and chicken sandwiches now consisted of just meat and possibly cheese in between the buns. And also 2 gallons of mayo. There were also no more salads now.

McAllister's had deep fried sweet iced tea, Yes, you read that right. Deep fried sweet tea. Nothing on the menu sounded the least bit appealing to him.

Exhausting all possibilities, he came back to Wendy's, remembering they have free water.

"Can I have a water, please?" Harry asked the cashier lady at Wendy's. She gave him a water. He figured it was the only healthy thing at such a food desert. He gulped it all down and strangely enough, he felt full. Against his intuition, he checked the nutrition facts of the water. Harry did a spit take.

"Oh come on! This ordinary drinking water contains 570 calories and 42 grams of fat? How in the...?"

"Yeah. People were complaining that water doesn't have enough flavor, so we make it taste good. Here at U of L campus, as long as it tastes good, anything goes. ANYTHING." The Wendy's cashier lady whispered that last part ominously. "And believe it or not, it's still the healthiest thing on the menu."

_How do students even survive here, when all the food is like they took everything on every menu, dippe__d it in a tank of lard, wrapped it in bacon, and people eat __it just because it tastes good?_

Harry munched on grass on the lawn near the Red Barn. It didn't taste too good, but at least it was healthier than literally everything on every menu at every food place on the campus. Somehow most of the other students looked perfectly healthy, and yet they ate the campus food. _Am I overreacting to the food?_

After having eaten all the grass on the lawn next to the Red Barn, which now looked like a giant brown patch of dirt, he decided to get a veggie delight from Subway. He wondered how the incompetent workers there would manage to eff this up, if they did.

"What are you doing? I DO NOT WANT MY VEGGIE DELIGHT WRAPPED IN BACON! That defeats the purpose of it being a vegetarian item."

"Sorry, no can do. Either it's wrapped in bacon or no sandwich for you." Harry face palmed.

"Alright. Might as well call it a BLT since it's wrapped in bacon."

"Nope. Just a veggie delight wrapped in bacon."

"Alright then. Which subs on the menu are not wrapped in bacon?"

"We don't have any like that. We wrap ALL our subs in bacon. Bacon makes everything taste better, and things tasting good is our number one priority, even if someone were to die from our food, we can say it was worth it making most of our customers happy!" Ouch.

Harry sighed. "Fine then, just give me the veggie delight wrapped in bacon if I have to." Harry got his sub. When he finished it, his belly protruded outward like a worm. Well not quite. But that one sub made him morbidly obese. Harry sobbed.

So the next day he ate all the grass on campus (it was just enough to make him feel full) and spent every second of the day not eating or in class in the weight room or in the natatorium swimming laps.

He found a flyer of particular interest on a bulletin board in the SAC. "Quidditch sign ups." YES! Screw the semester. If he could learn how the Muggles play Quidditch, then he could die right now and be satisfied with his life well spent. That is, if he felt like dying. Harry didn't want to die just yet. There were so many things he didn't get to do yet, like getting pregnant, lose a ton of weight (possibly literally), and eating anything healthy at all. He wrote his name down. "But how am I going to be able to survive till then? What with the campus food being as healthy as moldy gasoline. I've got to learn how the people on this campus survive with these dangerous menus."

"Dude, you need to lose weight. You're so fat, your belly button doesn't have lint. It has sweaters!"

Harry Potter cleared his throat.

"How are you guys not morbidly obese, let alone still alive? I saw you guys eating the overly fattening campus food earlier."

"Oh, that. We just exercise a whole lot and avoid foods high in fat." That didn't answer Harry's question.

"Where do you get foods low in fat on campus?" Harry axed.

"Dude, you should know. Anyone who doesn't know where to get healthy food on campus is dumber than Ash Ketchum from Palette Town." Harry needed some ice for that burn. Unless it too was wrapped in bacon. So he thought better of it.

For some reason, right after eating, he noticed people were going to the library. Everyone. Not just some people. _Nah, I don't have to know why. Librarie are boring, everyone knows that. I'm sure I imagined that. No one in their right minds would ever go to a library._

During the Quidditch tournament, Harry was still morbidly obese. Instead of brooms, there were hover bikes dangling from the ceiling by wires, ad on the bikes were some kind of control panel. He read the warning label on the hover bikes. "Max weight limit: 150 lbs." Harry estimated that he probably weighed about 5,000 lbs. He sure looked like it. He shivered. "Cold." So he pulled a sweater out of his belly button and put it on.

"Gong yi tan PAI!" The referee announced. Everyone just stood there confused. "That means "READY! SET! GO!" Harry got about 13 inches off the ground, and then the thin cable snapped and fell to the ground. The Golden Snitch was a hologram.

"Out of all the years we've had Quidditch tournaments, never have we ever had an accident such as this due to someone being too heavy. You are hereby kicked off the team forever! Or at least until you lose enough weight to cause the wires to snap. Now we need to find a replacement team member. TIME OUT!"

_Since I'm in the Muggle World now, I can't just use a liposuction spell on myself. Or maybe I could in a place where no one is looking. _Unfortunately, as fat as he was, there weren't too many places on campus to hide. "Hmmm, no one ever goes to the library, cause it's too boring. Perfect!"

As correctly predicted, the library was eerily empty. There was a book slightly askew on one of the shelves. Being the genre savvy guy he was, Harry touched it and the book shelf swung out to reveal a hidden passage. Harry went down into it and was surprised at what he saw. A bunch of the college students were regurgitating the campus food and there was a salad bar and stuff, with actual healthy food and none of that bacon wrapped crap. After regurgitating the unhealthy food, they then went for the stuff in the salad bar and stuff.

"Please don't tell any of the campus staff that we started an underground movement to eat healthier."

"That's awesome! Now I don't have to be too fat anymore."

"I'm sorry for not answering your question earlier. We were in earshot of a campus staff member. We don't want them to lose money or get fired."

"Well, don't they deserve it for feeding me this nasty and driving you all to barf up your food that they served you?"

"Well given the state of today's economy, we feel bad for them. We can't make them be fired, for if they get fired, they have nowhere else to work for the rest of their lives. It's do or die."

"We hope that eventually the problem solves itself since pigs are an endangered species now, so if there are no more pigs, then no more bacon to wrap stuff up in, and no more lard to use as a milk substitute when eating cereal."

That night they sneaked off campus and took the TARC off to a remote farm where allegedly the last surviving pigs left in the world were forced to breed like crazy. There were like only 60 of them. _Piece of cake. _One of the students took out a walkie talkie.

"What are you doing? Walkie talkies aren't weapons!"

"Ever seen the 20th anniversary of E.T. the Extraterrestrial? The police mans' guns are replaced with walkie talkies. It may not look like a weapon, but I've shot bullets out of this thing before." He fired a round of 60 bullets from his walkie talkie. All the pigs lay dead from all the gunshot wounds. "And now we can consider pigs to be officially extinct. C'mon let's get back to campus before people begin to question our existence."

"And we can safely say that swine flu is a thing of the past now." Harry joked.

Now that pigs were extinct, the food service workrs had no more things to wrap in bacon or submerge completely in lard ever again, so they had to settle for not wrapping things in bacon or submerging things in lard, which made everything a bit healthier than it used to be. Harry lost over 4,850 lbs by drop/adding 5 or 6 P.E. classes at once, and successfully rejoined the Muggle Quidditch team.

**(AN: Call me overdramatic if you want. That's just the way campus food seems like at times to me.**** I really do feel like it's caused me to gain some weight.****)**


End file.
